Awake

Maybe because I've had a few cups of coffee after giving up caffeine for so long. Maybe it's the time of year. I've spent a lot of time not sleeping when I should have been sleeping. Insomnia is nothing new to me, but now it's always related to Maura. I wake up thinking about Maura. I don't fall asleep because I'm thinking about Maura. We successfully avoided Thanksgiving, but Christmas is unavoidable. It's everywhere. And I feel...I feel...apathy...and sadness. I love Christmas and all the trappings of Christmas. And of course, Maura was the one who shared my enthusiasm for singing Christmas carols and listening to Christmas music non-stop from Thanksgiving through December 25. And Maura always decorated the tree with me. And we made cookies, and shopped, and wrapped presents together. And lists, we always made lists. We are/were both list fanatics.
And, although I caught myself singing carols at work this week, I'm not ready to celebrate Christmas the way I normally do.
We went to NYC to spend the weekend with Joao and Lydia before they took off to spend Christmas with his folks this year in Europe. Christmas will be very different and wonderful for Lydia this year, and I'm so glad she will be in a place where everything is new! Although our time was short, we managed to work in making a few favorite Christmas side dishes, wrap and unwrap a few presents, and spend some time together.It was a little rushed, trying to work in family time amid her performances, but it was worth it. She did quite a good job in the play,too, but I'm not biased at all. :)
Here at home, the stockings are hung over the fireplace. That is the extent of my Christmas decorating this year. No tree, tinsel, lights. Nothing. Probably no cookies. The carols are not playing 24/7, although I have turned them on in the car at times. Joel works on Christmas day. Danielle will spend the morning with some friends. I've been invited to two or three homes this year, but I can't. I just can't. I will do one of two things: Either I will stay home and wallow (I need a good wallowing)or I will volunteer at the cancer hospital. I'll call on Monday to see if they'll have me. Friends feel the need to make me feel better because, well, it's Christmas! But this is what I want to do. This is what I need to do. It's all part of this stupid grieving thing.