Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sometimes I Pay Attention in Church
So, this Sunday the pastor of a church I visited talked about adopting an attitude of thankfulness. When he included Greek verb tenses his explanations, I nearly swooned because I love grammar. No, really, I do. It was a great message, and I took lots of notes. Don't know the guy's name.
I am thankful for time. I've been thinking a lot lately about how patient God is--and how gracious to bestow on us the gift of time. Through/with/because of time we can heal. We forgive, forget, or sometimes just soften the image. We gain perspective and become wise. Maybe. We become better people simply because of the passage of time.
I know that this is my time to grieve, and I know that God will not rush me through this.
For about ten seconds, though, I wrestled with the thought that it might be wrong of me not to be thankful for Maura's death or her illness. I mean, I'm really not one bit thankful that she had cancer and died. Duh. No shocker there. Does God expect me to be? No. I think He expects me to do just what I'm doing: move through my grief through time. Left foot, right foot.
However, I also think that I ought to purposely thank God for other things in my life because my attitude may be on some sort of movable linear scale. On one end is thankfulness; on the opposite end is bitterness. And, I don't think I can remain stagnant; I am constantly moving toward one side or the other. Mind you, lots of the time, my grief consumes me to the point of not feeling thankful for anything. Like I said, God is patient, and He will wait for the other times, like right now, when I can begin to list what I'm thankful for. The list quickly becomes so long and detailed, it borders on the ridiculous (my family; colored plastic-coated paper clips; a job that I love; that Korean lemon tea that I eat like jam...).
Not so ridiculous, though.
Not so ridiculous to have an infinite number of blessings from an infinite God.
I am thankful for time.
I thank Him for allowing me to mourn and for not expecting too much.
I am thankful for all the healing that is taking place within me, even when I don't know it, just because of time.
Mostly, it comes down to this: I am thankful that God is God.